Have you ever been fucked so hard
you hated yourself?
Your tongue is sugar, honey
but mine is full of thorns
Even the very pinnacle of pleasure
is soured by a bad taste in my mouth.
My pillows still smell like you.
In the depths of sleep
I am reminded of my infidelity
What is the colour of shame?
If I could find the colour of all my past mistakes
I would paint it across my face
So you could see I’m not to be trusted.
I am not the red of my lipstick
Nor the gold liner on my eyes
I am kissing strangers in clubs and
lying to my mother
And lying to you
and lying to myself.
If shame was a colour it would be the shade of sleepless nights.
The average colour of the universe is a soft beige.
A milky coffee.
It always struck me as strange that
even the darkest parts of our world,
can be overcome by all the lights.
That the black holes and ugly words
can be diminished by the stars
And the lights of your eyes.
Beige is a blank colour.
It sparks no inspiration.
But our minds are blank when we are first formed
and the universe was once nothing at all.
I was once nothing at all.
Beige is a blank canvas and I took the colour of my shame
and the colour of “I love you”,
the colour of the brightest summer,
the colour of a heart attack,
the colour of a kiss,
the colour of a kiss in the rain,
the colour of all my hatred,
and my father,
and my mother,
and my sisters,
all the strangers I’ve ever seen.
I painted out all these days and nights,
and blackest mornings,
and the average colour of all my experiences was beige.
This does not mean my life is
boring or blank.
It only means that
the longest time I spend in the dark
starts to fade
every time you take my hand
How do I live with stoners and a dealer and have no weed on 420 how is this a thing